


These Are the Chat Logs...

by CommanderNexus0



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Enterprise
Genre: ARE YOU APPEASED SISTER?!?!, Constructive Criticism Welcome, Lots TBD., Mostly Crack, My first Chat-Fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-23
Updated: 2020-05-15
Packaged: 2020-10-26 22:23:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,664
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20749727
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CommanderNexus0/pseuds/CommanderNexus0
Summary: What happens when you give the crew of an experimental space craft a chat log? What if we added in a few aliens? Well, hopefully not this fic, but here we are anyways.





	1. Chapter 1

**CPT.ARCHER** has created channel: NX01 ENT Senior Officers.

**CPT.ARCHER** has added **COM.TUCKER**, **SUB.T’PAL**, **LT.REED**, **ENS.MAYWEATHER**, **ENS.SATO** and **DR.PHLOX**.

**CPT.ARCHER**: This channel is strictly for communication purposes only, please refrain from using it as a social network. I’d hate to have to explain to the Vulcan High Command why my officers are filling official channels with “trivial conversation”.

**COM.TUCKER**: Cap’n Archer, you wound me. Have ye so little faith in your bridge crew?

**SUB.T’PAL**: I do believe this is what the Captain was referring to as “trivial conversation”.

**COM.TUCKER**: Aw, shucks. Did I break the rules already?

**T’PAL**: Might I remind you that these channels are monitored by Star Fleet Command?

**DR.PHLOX**: I think having written logs to document interpersonal communications during long term voyages would be rather enlightening.

**COM.TUCKER**: What he said.

**SUB.T’PAL**: Your command of language never ceases to amaze, Commander.

**COM.TUCKER**: Don’t you have a sensor grid to calibrate?

**CPT.ARCHER**: Trip. Last I checked, you still need had some scratches in the paint job that need to be covered.

**COM.TUCKER**: Yessir. Right away Cap’n.

~~~~~~~~~~

**LT.REED**: Are we not going to ask how the Suliban managed to sneak aboard without notice?

**ENS.SATO**: No. I was too distracted by how they were turning invisible and crawling around the dark medbay.

**ENS.MAYWEATHER**: That’s another thing. How’d they know how to turn off the power?

**COM.TUCKER**: That’s somethin’ I wouldn’t mind knowing either…

**CPT.ARCHER**: I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but we’re missing our Klingon friend, and I’d really prefer to return him without the Vulcan’s help.

**ENS.SATO**: Sorry Captain. I was talking about my newly gained trauma with @DR.PHLOX, but I’ll get right back to my station.

**ENS.MAYWEATHER**: Wait. Isn’t Phlox doing an autopsy?

**ENS.SATO**: I’m not paying attention to that, right now. I’m still trying to translate what Klaang said.

**ENS.SATO**: Phlox is now talking to the corpse...

**ENS.SATO**: Alright, I’m leaving! Dr.Phlox is moving stuff around in this guy’s chest and the noises are making me queasy.

~~~~~~~~~~

**ENS.MAYWEATHER**: So…@LT.REED...How about that alien station on Rigel X…

**LT.REED**: I’m afraid you’ll need to be more specific…

**ENS.MAYWEATHER**: Y’know, the bar with all the dancers…

**LT.REED**: What about it?

**ENS.MAYWEATHER**: I think one of those lovely ladies you were watching was actually a dude…

**LT.REED**: I was most certainly not watching any of those dancers.

**LT.REED**: I was on duty.

**ENS.MAYWEATHER**: Nah, I distinctly remember you watching the dancers while we were waiting for information.

**ENS.SATO**: It’s nothing to be embarrassed about, Malcolm, it happens to everyone. And no one would care if you batted for the other team.

**LT.REED**: That’s not...! You’re misreading the situation!

**ENS.SATO**: Are we?

**LT.REED**: Yes!

**ENS.MAYWEATHER**: Really, though?

**LT.REED**: Unnecessarily so! Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go to recalibrate the torpedoes.

**LT.REED** has logged off.

**ENS.MAYWEATHER**: Recalibrate the torpedoes he says. ;^)

**ENS.SATO**: Mhmmmmm. ;^)

**DR.PHLOX**: Is sexuality still a sensitive topic on Earth?

**ENS.SATO**: Not as much as it used to be, but some people can be more...reserved about it.

**ENS.MAYWEATHER**: Especially when one Lieutenant Reed has a stick shoved up their ***.

**DR.PHLOX**: Fascinating! I must ask Dr. Lucas about this in more detail when I message him next!

**DR.PHLOX** has logged off. 

**COM.TUCKER** is online.

**COM.TUCKER**: What in tarnation! I leave for FIVE minutes, and now Malcolm is questioning his sexuality. Why can’t y’all get along?

**SUB.T’PAL**: Your assessment of the situation is incorrect. It was Ensigns Sato and Mayweather who were inquiring as to Lieutenant Reed’s sexuality, to which there was no determinate response.

**COM.TUCKER**: Thanks…

~~~~~~~~~~

**CPT.ARCHER** is online.

**CPT.ARCHER**: Well. I think I’ve had more than enough Klingons today.

**COM.TUCKER**: Seconded, Cap’n.

**SUB.T’PAL**: With your species’ inclination to interfering with others’ affairs, I find myself in agreement.

**ENS.SATO**: I can’t wait to study their language in more depth. There are so many dialects, it could take me months before I can talk to them properly!

**CPT.ARCHER**: I think you’ll get your chance to practice with natives more than your fair share if we keep encountering them like this.

**ENS.MAYWEATHER**: If our mission goes as planned, you’ll have more than just Klingon to learn.

**CPT.ARCHER**: Then I suppose you should look up from your console and make sure we don’t crash into anything.

**ENS.MAYWEATHER**: Yes sir! Sorry, sir!

**COM.TUCKER**: Amateurs.

**SUB.T’PAL**: Commander, I’m picking up an antimatter build up in the port nacelle.

**COM.TUCKER**: AW, HELL!!!

**COM.TUCKER** has logged off.

**LT.REED**: I’m not picking up any antimatter buildups.

**SUB.T’PAL**: I believe, as Commander Tucker would say, “Amateurs”.

**ENS.SATO**: XD

**ENS.MAYWEATHER**: RFLMAO

**CPT.ARCHER**: Maybe there’s hope for you yet.


	2. The Name Changer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> These events will change the names forever.

**COM.TUCKER** is online.

**COM.TUCKER ** has changed  **SUB.T’PAL** ’s name to  **Bitchy Elf.**

**COM.TUCKER** : Hah! It worked!

**ENS.MAYWEATHER** : HAHAHAHA!!!!!

**ENS.SATO** is online.

**ENS.SATO** : She might not be the warmest person, but I don’t think she deserves  _ that. _

**COM.TUCKER** : I’m not changin’ it.

**ENS.SATO** : We’ll see about that… :^>

**ENS.SATO** : @ **Bitchy Elf**

**Bitchy Elf** is online.

**Bitchy Elf** : I expected more… professionalism from one of the Captain’s highest-ranking officers. Perhaps I should bring it up with him?

**COM.TUCKER** has changed  **Bitchy Elf** ’s name to  **Sub.T’Pal** .

**COM.TUCKER** : Happy?

**Sub.T’Pal** : This is acceptable, yes.

**ENS.SATO** has changed their name to  **CommsBoss** .

**ENS.MAYWEATHER** : Not that I’m complaining, but how did you do this?

**CommsBoss** : I was able to modify the channel specs and allow us all permission to change our own names.

**ENS.MAYWEATHER** : I didn’t know you could program code?

**CommsBoss** : Oh, I can’t, but I can go into the settings of the Captain’s tablet and change the settings.

**LT.REED** is online.

**LT.REED** : You stole the Captain’s tablet?!?!?

**CommsBoss** : No, the Captain handed it off to Commander Tucker. The Commander ‘borrowed’ it to ‘look over personnel logs’, and he tried to do it himself. When he couldn’t, he handed it off to me to see if I could manage it.

**COM.TUCKER** : How did you do it by the way?

**CommsBoss** : I tapped on the little gear icon in the upper left-hand corner and unclicked a few permissions boxes.

**COM.TUCKER** : You’re kiddin’ me… right?

**CommsBoss** : Nope.

**ENS.MAYWEATHER** : Commander, you can repair a highly advanced, matter/anti-matter engine prototype, but you can’t change a few permissions in a settings menu?

**Sub.T’Pal** : Might I remind that Commander Tucker was unable to locate the settings tab.

**COM.TUCKER** : Nobody asked you, you Bitchy Elf.

**ENS.MAYWEATHER** has changed  **COM.TUCKER** ’s name to  **SouthernHick** .

**CommsBoss ** has removed  **SouthernHick** ’s name permissions.

**LT.REED** : Real mature, everyone.

**CommsBoss** : Careful, Malcolm. You could be next. :^>

**LT.REED** : Absolutely not! This is an official channel, we need to remain professional!

**LT.REED** : You’ve already admitted to STEALING THE CAPTAIN’S TABLET!!!

**CPT.ARCHER** is online.

**CPT.ARCHER** : I am very much aware of letting Trip  _ borrow _ my tablet, so I’m very much aware of the fact that he  _ knows _ the starboard plasma conduits need scrubbing.

**SouthernHick** : Yessir!

**SouthernHick** : Right away, Cap’n!

**SouthernHick** has logged off.

**CommsBoss:** So… are we in trouble, Captain?

**LT.REED** : I don’t know where you’re getting ‘we’ from. I had nothing to do with this.

**CPT.ARCHER** : I’m sure I could overlook something so small. It’s not Trip’s fault he didn’t know how to change the screen’s brightness.

**LT.REED** : That’s not what happened, though.

**CommsBoss** : Yes it is. ;^)

**ENS.MAYWEATHER** : This is  _ exactly _ how I remember this going.

**CPT.ARCHER** has changed their name to  **Porthos’Favorite.**

**LT.REED** : This is highly unconventional.

**Porthos’Favorite** : You’ll find that this is an unconventional mission, Lieutenant.

**LT.REED** : …

**ENS.MAYWEATHER** : On the topic of unconventional, is anyone going to movie night? I hear they’re playing Spaceballs.

**CommsBoss** : Really?!? I haven’t seen that movie in ages!

**ENS.MAYWEATHER:** Back on the Horizon, our entertainment libraries were pretty limited, so Spaceballs was always a staple. I’m pretty sure I could quote the entire movie for you.

**CommsBoss** : Same! Would you like those quotes in English or Vulcan?

**ENS.MAYWEATHER** : You’re joking, right?!?

**Porthos’Favorite** : She’s not.

**CommsBoss** : I ma pakik wuh bleeps, I ma pakik wuh fnashtau, heh I ma pakik wuh creeps.

**Sub.T’Pal ** is online.

**Sub.T’Pal** : Why is Ensign Mayweather laughing?

**DR.PHLOX** : As far as I’m aware, laughter is a normal human response to something they consider humorous. It’s also been proven to do wonders for one’s health.

**LT.REED** : It’s not good for our health if he ends up crashing Enterprise into an asteroid.

**DR.PHLOX** : Ah, yes, that would be a problem.

**CommsBoss** : As long as he’s not rolling around on the ground, we should be fine. Which, by the way, he is not.

**LT.REED** : Why are you two so invested in science fiction from 2 centuries ago? We live in a time where we can do all of the things in them.

**ENS.MAYWEATHER** : It’s not just ‘science fiction’, it is a piece of classic comedy that only gets better with age.

**CommsBoss** : Not to mention, you’ll never find someone to marry you.

**CommsBoss** : That stick is shoved too far up your ***.

**Sub.T’Pal** : Ensign Mayweather has now dropped to the floor and is creating a scene. I’d advise returning to your stations before I am forced to submit an official complaint to the Captain about his bridge crew’s conduct.

**CommsBoss** : Right away, Sub-Commander.

**CommsBoss** has logged off.

**LT.REED** : Finally, someone on this ship who acts professionally.

~~~~~~~~~~

**Sub.T’Pal** : I do not understand the point of this event. It serves no purpose to my assignment aboard the Enterprise.

**CommsBoss** : It’s movie night, Sub-Commander, it allows the crew to relax and enjoy a taste of home.

**Sub.T’Pal** : I do not question the logic of such an event, but I question the insistence of my presence here.

**CommsBoss** : Your people gave us star maps, so we’re returning the favor by introducing you to our culture.

**Sub.T’Pal** : Then. I suppose I had best pay attention.

Users  **CommsBoss ** and  **Sub.T’Pal** have gone idle.

~~~~~~~~~~

User  **Sub.T’Pal** is active.

**Sub.T’Pal** : How does an ancient Earth vehicle possess an internal power plant that can sustain faster than light travel?

**CommsBoss** : It’s a movie; the Winnebago is a comedic element.

**Sub.T’Pal** : The ‘comedic elements’ in this film disregard even the most basic laws of physics.

**CommsBoss** : You’re overthinking it, Sub-Commander.

**Sub.T’Pal** : Perhaps some more thought would have aided this movie’s success.

**CommsBoss ** has temporarily silenced  **Sub.T’Pal** .

**CommsBoss** : Maybe this’ll teach you to appreciate good films.

~~~~~~~~~~

**Sub.T’Pal** ’s messages are now reactivated.

**Sub.T’Pal** : The android’s virginity alarm was more scientifically accurate than anything else in that movie.

**CommsBoss** : And…?

**Sub.T’Pal** : I can understand why an emotional race as your own would enjoy such a trivial past time.

**CommsBoss** : I think that’s as close as I’ll get you to admitting that you enjoyed the movie. Should we be expecting you at the next one?

**Sub.T’Pal** : I will consider attending.

**ENS.MAYWEATHER** : I’m surprised you caught any of that while looking at your tablets so much.

**CommsBoss** : I think Chef almost caught us at least twice. He looked just about ready to kick us out!

**Sub.T’Pal** : I would suggest retiring to your quarters, Ensigns Sato and Mayweather. The duty roster has been updated with double shifts for you both.

**CommsBoss** : 8^O

**ENS.MAYWEATHER** : I bet Chef had something to do with it.

**CommsBoss** : Probably.

**CommsBoss** : Enjoy your freedom, Sub-Commander. Travis, I will see you tomorrow I guess.

**ENS.MAYWEATHER** : Will do.

~~~~~~~~~~

**SouthernHick ** is online.

**SouthernHick** : I’ve finished scrubbing the plasma conduits, is Spaceballs still playing?

**Sub.T’Pal** : I’m afraid you missed it by approximately an hour.

**SouthernHick** : Darn. That would’ve made my night.

**Sub.T’Pal** has changed  **SouthernHick** ’s name to  **MajorAssHole.**

**MajorAssHole** : Hold on! Change it back!

**MajorAssHole** : Is this because of the Bitch Elf thing? I changed it back!

**MajorAssHole** : T’Pal! I’ll report you to the Cap’n if you don’t change this back right now!

**Sub.T’Pal** : Vulcans do not hold grudges; it is illogical.

**MajorAssHole** : All they have to do is scroll up and see that you changed it!

**Sub.T’Pal** : See what? The chat logs are archived at 0000 hours every day and are inaccessible to the crew without the Captain’s explicit permission.

**Sub.T’Pal** : @Computer, what is the time.

**2459.40 hours, Sub Commander T’Pal.**

**Sub.T’Pal** has logged off.

**MajorAssHole** : T’PAL!!!

**Chat-log has been archived.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m working on this in my free time so chapters will come sporadically. I *am* also looking for a better Vulcan translator, any help in that search would be appreciated.


	3. Conceptions and Conspiracies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This one is set during Season 1 Episode 4 “Unexpected”.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> GUESS WHO’S BACK?!? This one’s about twice as long as the other chapters, and I can only hope that it’s worth the wait! Enjoy!

**CommsBoss** : I can’t believe how dead this place has been. @ **DR.PHLOX** , I need you to resuscitate the chat.

**DR.PHLOX** : I’m afraid that Human social channels weren’t part of my medical education.

**DR.PHLOX** : I believe Commander Tucker would be more helpful with this procedure.

**CommsBoss** : Great idea! @ **MajorAsshole** .

**CommsBoss** : X^D I would like to kiss the person responsible for this.

**MajorAsshole** is online.

**MajorAsshole** : It was T’Pol.

**CommsBoss** : T’Pol wouldn’t do that. We haven’t dislodged that stick yet.

**MajorAsshole** : Why don’t y’all believe me?!? Hoshi showed her SpaceBalls and then my name  _ mysteriously _ changes to this.

**DR.PHLOX** : The Sub-Commander has acted very professionally on this channel, this doesn’t seem like something a Vulcan would do.

**CommsBoss** : You also aren’t very quiet about your distrust of her. Also, the change could have been made by any one of us over the near month that this chat hasn’t been used.

**MajorAsshole** : I’m telling you, it was T’Pol.

**Sub.T’Pol** is online.

**Sub.T’Pol** : I am not the one who changed your name, Commander.

**MajorAsshole** : YOU LIE!!! I’ll prove it!

**MajorAsshole** : @ **Porthos’Favorite** , I need permission to go over the chat logs!

**Porthos’Favorite** is online.

**Porthos’Favorite** : Permission denied.

**Porthos’Favorite ** has logged off.

**MajorAsshole** :...

**CommsBoss** : X^D

**MajorAsshole** : This is obstruction of justice.

~~~~~~~~~~

**Porthos’Favorite** is online.

**Porthos’Favorite** : @ **MajorAsshole** , What is wrong with my ship?

**MajorAsshole** is online.

**MajorAsshole** : That’s an excellent question, Cap’n.

**MajorAsshole** : I’ve got my team working on it and we’ll have it fixed in a jiffy.

**Porthos’Favorite** : Good. Water is the only thing that should be falling in the shower, and I’d like to keep it that way.

**CommsBoss** is online.

**CommsBoss** : Commander!

**CommsBoss** : I think my quarters are haunted!

**MajorAsshole** : What? What’s happening, Hoshi?

**CommsBoss** : I don’t know! I was listening to some of the Klingon linguistic files and the lights started flickering. I was heading towards the comms panel and the recordings started going crazy! Next thing I know, I’m being threatened with disembowelment as the lights turn off and the door locks.

**Sub.T’Pol** : The Vulcan Science Directorate has determined the existence of supernatural beings to be false. It is illogical to assume the ship is in any way “haunted”.

**ENS.MAYWEATHER** : I wouldn’t be too sure about that, T’Pol. Back on the Horizon my grandma was always wandering around the cargo bay and talking like someone was there.

**ENS.MAYWEATHER** : She once told me to come over and meet her mother, and I had to stand there while listening to half a conversation. She said doing this would keep the ghosts from moving the cargo.

**Sub.T’Pol** : An interesting tale, but it is just that: a tale.

**DR.PHLOX** : I’m afraid the Commander may be correct. The passing of time often allows one’s mind to slip, and it isn’t unheard of for people to see this they’ve lost.

**ENS.MAYWEATHER** : :^0 Grandma Mayweather would pull my ear off if I even  _ suggested _ she was crazy!

**DR.PHLOX** : My apologies, Ensign. I meant no offense towards your grandmother.

**MajorAsshole** : Hoshi’s been preeeety quiet…

**MajorAsshole** : She typically loves a good ghost story.

**CommsBoss** : OMG!!! WTF!!!

**LT.REED** is online **.**

**LT.REED** : Hoshi? Why do I have 5 security alerts about screaming from your room? Your neighbors think you’re being “ritualistically murdered”.

**CommsBoss** : THE VOICES ARE CHANTING!!!

**CommsBoss** : SOMEONE HELP ME BEFORE THE KLINGON SPIRITS SEND ME TO GRE’THOR!!!

**LT.REED** : What?

~~~~~~~~~~

**MajorAsshole** : Woo! The problem isn’t our fault!

**Sub.T’Pol** : I believe it is only a matter of time, as you would put it.

**MajorAsshole** : What does that mean?

**CommsBoss** : Let’s be real, Commander, you’re not the most... diplomatic person on this ship.

**CommsBoss** : If it weren’t for your bedside manner, I’d say you’re almost as bad a choice as Malcolm would be.

**LT.REED** : Hey!

**ENS.WAYWEATHER** : Not now, lieutenant, this isn’t about you right now.

**MajorAsshole** : I’ll have you know I can be  _ very _ diplomatic.

**Sub.T’Pol** : Your official track record says otherwise, Commander.

**Porthos’Favorite** : Everyone, lay off of him.

**Porthos’Favorite** : Trip, I have total faith in you.

**MajorAsshole:** Thank you, Cap’n. I knew someone still appreciated me.

**Porthos’Favorite** : No problem, Trip. Just remember, when you’re interacting with their crew, listen to your inner T’Pol.

**MajorAsshole** : Betrayal!

**CommsBoss** : X^D

**ENS.MAYWEATHER** : Lol!

**Sub.T’Pol** :I believe you’ve lost me? I did not realize humans could be imprinted upon so easily.

**Porthos’Favorite** : Yep. It’ll be that little voice in his head telling him to use common sense.

**CommsBoss** : IT JUST GETS BETTER!!! X^D

**Sub.T’Pol** : Ensign Mayweather is causing a scene on the bridge.

**Porthos’Favorite** : I’ll let it slide this time

**MajorAsshole** : Now this is just uncalled for.

~~~~~~~~~~

**CommsBoss** : Is it just me, or has the ship been quieter since the Commander boarded the Xyrillian ship?

**DR.PHLOX** : I do believe that would be because Commander Tucker is no longer conscious.

**CommsBoss** : What?

**DR.PHLOX** : The decompression process is rather stressful on organics, but you’ll be happy to know that he’ll only be out for a few hours. I’m surprised you hadn’t heard, seeing as the Xyrillians sent that transmission an hour ago.

**CommsBoss** : Oh… I, uh… might have gotten distracted while reviewing the linguistics files… again.

**ENS.MAYWEATHER** : You weren’t just distracted Hoshi, you were full on vegging at your station. Lt. Reed and I were trying to get your attention when the panel lit up, but you were out!

**LT.REED** : We almost considered calling Dr. Phlox until you started murmuring about space slugs in Klingon.

**CommsBoss** : I’ll try not to let it happen again, but it’s just so quiet for a change. It’s kinda nice.

**Sub.T’Pol** : I believe that with Commander Tucker off the ship there is no one onboard to cause trouble. A welcome change from the usual.

**LT.REED** : I’ve already made it through the day’s incident reports, and not once have I seen a report about some hair-brained contraption setting off the emergency bulkheads because the power cell had been plugged in incorrectly.

**DR.PHLOX** : Ah yes, it was a miracle there weren’t any severe burns from that incident.

**Sub.T’Pol** : It never ceases to amaze me how far humanity has managed to come despite their numerous failures.

**CommsBoss** : I’d be insulted, but I can’t bring myself to deny this.

**LT.REED** : I doubt the Vulcans have never made mistakes, everyone is subject to human error.

**Sub.T’Pol** : There is a reason that it is called “human error” and not “Vulcan error”, Lieutenant.

**ENS.MAYWEATHER** : 8^O

**ENS.MAYWEATHER** : She went there! X^D

**CommsBoss** : Careful Lieutenant, that wit of her’s has enough firepower to throw your armory boys for a loop!

**LT.REED** : You’d better get back to work, Hoshi. The Captain’s on his way to the bridge.

**CommsBoss** : A feeble distraction, but one I’ll allow to pass. For now.

~~~~~~~~~~

**CommsBoss** is online

**CommsBoss** : What’s going on in my ship and why am I not being told about it!?!

**Porthos’Favorite** : Care to rephrase that, Ensign?

**CommsBoss** : My apologies, Captain Archer, but why are we trying to locate the Xyrillians?

**Sub.T’Pol** : @ **LT.REED** I believe I told you discretion was of the utmost importance.

**LT.REED** : It’s not my fault! This woman has the ears of a bat.

**CommsBoss** : He’s right. I could pick out the sound of a pin dropping in a room of rock filled blenders.

**CommsBoss** : Now spill the beans, Sir.

**Porthos’Favorite** : It’s classified, Hoshi. Not even Lieutenant Reed knows.

**CommsBoss** : Oh well, guess Travis and I will just have to keep on making over the top theories about it.

**LT.REED** : I have a few of my own if you two would like to exchange tales.

**CommsBoss** : The more the merrier.

~~~~~~~~~~

**ENS.MAYWEATHER** : No way.

**CommsBoss** : You’ve gotta be kidding me. Malcolm! How did you possibly get so close!

**LT.REED** : Trust me, I’m just as surprised as all of you.

**MajorAsshole** : What’re y’all on about?

**CommsBoss** : Travis, Malcolm, and I started trying to guess why we were looking for the Xyrillians again, and out of all of us, Malcolm’s guess was the closest.

**MajorAsshole** : What?

**ENS.MAYWEATHER** : After you went off on Dillard about the lift, we thought maybe you had gotten involved with one of the Xyrillians and they were expecting. Hoshi thought they may have contacted you about it and you decided to take custody of the child.

**CommsBoss** : When you started wearing civvies around the ship, things started getting suspicious, so we decided to interrogate the steward.

**LT.REED** : Hoshi, you bribed him with an extra comm slot to home. And you two waved me off when I even suggested this.

**CommsBoss** : Minor details.

**Sub.T’Pol** : Was there a point to this, Ensigns?

**ENS.MAYWEATHER** : Yes! Lieutenant Reed totally called that it was Commander Tucker was pregnant!

**ENS.MAYWEATHER** : It’s uncanny!

**CommsBoss** : This level of deduction has only been seen in works of fiction!

**MajorAsshole** : So, while I’m experiencing a personal crisis, carrying an embryonic alien inside me, y’all’re sittin’ around the campfire spreading conspiracies?

**CommsBoss** : Yes.

**ENS.MAYWEATHER** : Yup.

**LT.REED** : It was actually a torch, but yes.

**MajorAsshole** : Y’all have no shame.

  
**Sub.T’Pol** : Then it appears you are in good company, Commander.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Leave kudos if you enjoyed, and comments either way. Your comments, literally, motivate me to make this and I love seeing them!


End file.
